Making an early plan of action, asking for compensation and pairing caregiver talents to specific tasks are all ways to help deal with siblings that don’t want to help take care of ageing parents.
Caring for ageing parents should be a family affair, in which all siblings share in the efforts required. Yet, all too often one sibling is left to deal with the overwhelming majority of tasks. Sometimes one or more siblings don’t want to help at all, or use living far away as an excuse to get out of all duties.
The responsibly of caring for mom and dad often falls on siblings that have not married or had children of their own, which can result in serious frustrations. Siblings with families feel they are too busy to help, and as a result the sole caregiver begins to hold resentment and anger towards their siblings.
If your discreet and not-so-discreet pleas for help continue to go ignored, here are 6 ways to approach the often-awkward conversation and make caring for ageing parents a group effort as opposed to a sole responsibility.
#1. Make An Early Plan Of Action
It might seem too late to put together an “early” plan of action, but there’s always another leg of the journey you need to plan for. Call a family meeting to discuss what mom and dad need now, as well as 5-10 years down the road, and how you’re going to provide that. It’s never too early to start discussing these things, even long before your parents need a lot of care.
The Home Instead Senior Care created a 50.50 Rule program that can help guide your plan. The program revolves around giving each family member a set responsibility of caregiving.
Use this time to be open and honest about all of your concerns so that your siblings don’t have the luxury of playing dumb, or assuming you don’t mind taking on the brunt of responsibilities.
#2. What If Your Siblings Live Too Far Away To Help?
If you’re the only one that still lives close to mom and dad, you may find yourself handling the majority of responsibilities. There are certain tasks siblings living far away can still deal with, such as managing your parent’s finances, paying bills and researching potential doctors, nursing homes, etc.
It is not unreasonable to ask your siblings for financial assistance if you have to cut back your hours or quit your job to care for your parents.
#3. Try To Take Emotions Out Of The Picture
Things can get pretty emotional when discussing responsibilities associated with ageing or sick parents. It’s much easier said than done, but at least try to take emotions out of these important conversations. When discussing responsibilities, avoid bringing up old baggage, hard feelings and so forth. Instead of pointing fingers or reintroducing the past into the conversation, focus on what your mom and dad need now, and how you can all help provide that. If it’s impossible to have these discussions without emotional flare-ups, it might worth meeting with a mediator or family counselor.
#4. Pair Caregiving Tasks With Each Person’s Talents
You don’t want to assign the wrong tasks to the wrong siblings; otherwise they will naturally avoid pulling their fair share of the weight. If your brother is great at finances, put him in charge of your parent’s financial picture. Even siblings that live clear on the other side of the country can handle financial tasks. If your sister is highly organized, give her the task of keeping medications together and making sure all of your parent’s files and bills are in order.
#5. Don’t Feel Bad Asking For Compensation
If you end up taking on the majority of caretaking you deserve to be compensated for it. The AARP suggests direct compensation from your parents or investing in a long-term care insurance policy. While you might still feel it is unfair that you’re not getting the help you ask for, at least you are being compensated for your time and efforts.
Don’t be afraid to ask for financial assistance from your siblings that cannot give their time or live too far away to help. If you have to take time off of work or quit your job, it’s important that you are properly compensated for that in some way. If you quit your job you lose access to social security and other forms of stability, leaving you at risk for senior poverty. Don’t ignore your own needs, and make sure to stand up to your siblings and demand what’s fair.
#6. Share Your Emotional Needs With Your Siblings
Caretaking is a 24/7 job in regards to the emotional toll it takes on you. High stress, depression and isolation are all real issues caretakers regularly face. You are going to need breaks from caretaking in order to regroup and be an effective caretaker. Your wellbeing is a priority and it’s important that you explain to your siblings exactly how you are feeling and what you need from them. Maybe out of town siblings can come in and take over your responsibilities for a few weeks every year while you take the opportunity to get away, rest and rejuvenate.
Allow us at Stellar Transportation to help take some responsibility off of your shoulders through our superior non-emergency medical transportation services for both local and long distance. We specialize in senior transportation, including wheelchairs and walkers, as well as bedridden patients. Contact us today for a free quote.